Keeper of His Home

by Chelsea McCafferty

Keeping Marriage Spicy

I recently shared this topic with a lovely group of mommies at a MOPs event in Mariposa. In light of Valentines Day this week, I thought it’d be fun to share it with you! The topic is Keeping Marriage Spicy. Such a fun one! In doing my research and such I found so many fun and creative ideas for encouraging romance in marriage and keeping that passion alive, even in those post-baby, mommy years.

First of all, let’s look at the word romance. Men and women tend to view romance differently. Men tend to be romanced more by the senses: sight, scent, touch, etc. Women, on the other hand, are more emotionally-driven in our definition of romance. Most women want flowers, love notes, hand-holding, compliments, words of affirmation and admiration. What’s cool is that the God who made men and women, with our own characteristics, created romance between a husband and a wife to be both! We know that by reading the Song of Solomon…the spiciest book in the Bible!

“I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine” Song of Solomon 6:3

 “My lover is mine and I am his.” Song 2:16

“My heart began to pound for him.” Song 5:4

 “How beautiful you are, my darling!” Song 4:1

“He has taken me to a banquet hall and his banner over me is love” Song 2:4

“Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth, for your love is better than wine.” Song 1:2

“A bundle of myrhh is my beloved to me that lies all night between my breasts.” Song 1:13

“His left hand is under my head and his right hand embraces me.” Song 2:6

“All night long on my bed I looked for the one my heart loves.” Song 3:1

“I am my beloveds and his desire is toward me.” Song 7:10

So God’s definition of romance includes the emotional and the physical. We read also throughout scripture that when a man and woman are married they become one flesh. This one flesh includes a union spiritually, emotionally and physically. A marriage that is lacking in any of these three areas is going to suffer, and cause the others to falter as well. So it’s important that we stay connected with our husbands emotionally, spiritually and physically.

I recently read some statistics that really surprised me. 300 married men were asked if they were happy with the intimacy in their marriage. 77% of the men said they were having less sex than they would like in their marriage. 13% said they weren’t having any at all. Funny enough, NONE of the men asked said they were having TOO much sex. On the other hand, 11% of women asked said they were having more sex than they would like. These numbers shouldn’t make anyone feel bad, but rather point out an important truth that we need to acknowledge. Men usually have a higher sex drive than women do, and that’s the way God created them. Part of our calling as wives is to minister to our husbands in this way, so it’s good to know the facts so that we can meet those needs in the marriage bed!

Romancing your husband can be such fun! We can enjoy keeping our marriages spicy by making and keeping date night. Don’t be lazy when it comes to date night. Be creative and fun. Keep the mystery alive. Even a date night at home to accommodate a tight budget can be lots of fun (especially if you can get the kids over to grandma’s house!). Be affectionate. Surprise your husband with affection and be playful. Flirt! Here are some fun flirting tips I came across while researching:

  • Leave a love note on the mirror or somewhere unexpected
  • Kiss in the car at stoplights (only on red lights haha)
  • Have a secret code phrase to tell him you want him
  • Grab and tackle him as he’s walking by
  • Set up a cozy love nest for watching movies
  • Text him sweet nothings throughout the day
  • Hint at what’s to come
  • Flirt in public or on facebook
  • Flash him, but not in public and definitely not on facebook!!!
  • Surprise him with a token of affection
  • Play footsies (discreetly of course)
  • Be playful, laugh, be silly (remember dating?)
  • Create mystery. Keep door closed before date night while you get ready. Tell him you’re wearing something special tonight. Do something unexpected.
  • Plan a surprise date night and keep it mysterious

I am putting some of these fun flirty tactics to good use and finding them to add spice to my marriage. For you cooks out there, think of what would happen if you suddenly weren’t allowed to use spice in your recipes anymore….bland! We don’t want to become our husband’s “perfect roommate” but want to continue in that passionate, romantic relationship God had planned for us when He created marriage.

I pray you would have a romantic, hot and spicy Valentines Day! God bless!

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Insecurity and Intimacy

“Behold, thou art fair, my beloved, yea, pleasant: also our bed is green.” Song of Solomon 1:16

It happens to all of us ladies. We grow older, have children, our bodies change, wrinkles appear and we stand before the mirror looking at a woman who has been much altered throughout the years. We have women who were once considered, by the world’s standards, quite lovely with perfect figures and features. We also have sisters who never considered themselves to be true beauties for one reason or another. The world tries to tell us what beauty looks like via the television and magazine racks. Yet we know that God’s idea of beauty is far different. The question is, does the way we look at ourselves affect the intimacy we enjoy with our husbands?

Intimacy in marriage is so very important. Having a romantic relationship with your husband is something God desires for His children. Reading through the Song of Solomon gives us an idea of the delight of being your spouse’s lover. That being said, there are certain issues that often arise within the heart of a woman that fills her with reluctancy in the area of sexual intimacy with her husband, and one of those issues is insecurity with her appearance.

There is no shame in admitting it. When we do not feel beautiful, it can be hard to accept the attention and affections of our husbands. We doubt the words of admiration. We shun away from being observed. We don’t feel sexy so we do not enjoy the experience of being intimate. We don’t put in the effort of wearing lingerie or preparing special romantic interludes. The shame isn’t in the way that we feel, or the way that we look, but in the detriment these feelings of insecurity has on our romantic relationship with our husbands.

Perhaps you used to see yourself as beautiful but the years have brought on crow’s feet and a few extra pounds. You’ve had children and your body is just not what it used to be. Maybe you have never really felt beautiful, at least by the world’s standard. Either way, we need to be reminded that God’s beauty is the true beauty that matters. A godly woman, who serves her husband and children with joy and prudence is gorgeous! A lady who is gentle, kind, generous and trustworthy is lovely! A wife who delights in being her husband’s perfect lover, his playmate and his best friend….she is absolutely stunning!

Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing, But a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised.” Proverbs 31:30

Oh sisters, do not let the world tell you what is beautiful. Do not measure yourself by that standard and allow that to define how you see yourself. Do not let the lies from the world and the enemy keep you from having a fulfilling and loving sexual relationship with your husband. If your man tells you that he loves you, believe Him. If he tells you that you are beautiful to him, believe him. Don’t doubt what he says. To him, you are incredibly and stunning and sexy because you are a woman who loves the Lord. Not only that, but remember that you have a body perfectly suited for your husband. God intended for intimacy to be joyful and pleasurable and bringing oneness.

Now there are cases in which a husband is the one who is making his wife feel unworthy or unlovely. Even Christian men can fall into sin and wrong thinking. They can be subject to the lies of the enemy. They can be deceived. If your husband speaks to you or treats you in a way that makes you feel unattractive, I’m so sorry. You need to first pray for your husband. It sounds like he is not walking in the Spirit in this area. He needs to grow in the Lord, and when he does, he will see you the way God sees you. While you are experiencing the hurt of what your husband has said/done, I encourage you sister not to allow it to stop you from seeing yourself as the beautiful woman of God you are. While your husband is in the wrong, I encourage you to do what you can to be beautiful for him. Don’t be frumpy or give up. Do what you can to be vibrant for your husband. Be pleasant and joyful. Don’t play the part of the victim because this will only harm your marriage further. Win your husband over without preaching at him or scolding him. I know that it’s hard, but you have the power of the Holy Spirit to help you walk through the storm with your head held high and the joy of the Lord pouring out of you.

Sisters, be encouraged. You are so beautiful. God has made you beautiful, inside and out. Your husband wants to enjoy you the way God intended so don’t allow a negative self image to hinder the romantic relationship you have. Read the Song of Solomon together and then be your husband’s fair lover. Be confident and enjoy the benefits of a Godly marriage!

“O my dove, in the clefts of the rock,
In the secret places of the cliff,
Let me see your face,
Let me hear your voice;
For your voice is sweet,
And your face is lovely.”

Songs 2:14

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Kisses Better Than Wine

“Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth: for thy love is better than wine.” Song of Songs 1:2

Let him kiss me…love is better than wine. Very romantic words here in this poetic passage of scripture. There are a lot of people who would be shocked to know that the Bible had such romantic language in parts. I think a lot of unbelievers wrongfully assume that Christians must not be very sensual or into romance as the world because we see pre-marital sex, adultery and pornography as sins that we refrain from. Their big mistake is thinking that the most fun forms of sexuality come hand in hand with perversion, immorality and self-destructive lusts of the flesh. I would argue that the most beautiful, free, satisfying and completely blissful sexual experiences are those had within the covenant of marriage, between a husband and a wife who know that their God is pleased with their union.

Let him kiss me… There is much to be said for a kiss and there are various forms of kissing too. 1 Corinthians 16:20 speaks of a “holy kiss” and says, “All the brethren greet you. Greet ye one another with an holy kiss.” So this is not a romantic kiss but one that is brotherly or sisterly in nature. Today most people shy away from friendly, cheek-kissing and that’s fine. Today so much of what once was good and holy is now perverted, which has ruined it for the rest of us.

Throughout scripture we see father’s kissing their sons. We see friends kissing each other as a sign of allegiance. We have women kissing the feet of Jesus as a form of worship and adoration. We also see the kiss of betrayal from Judas in the garden. So kissing can mean many things and have many purposes, but  this kiss in the Song of Songs is most definitely a romantic, firework kind of a kiss between a man and a woman very much in love.

Let him kiss me…I love how she says that. She is encouraging the kisses from her man. She wants his closeness and affections because his love is better than sweet tasting wine to her. Ladies, a kiss can go a long way with our husbands. Sometimes, at the end of a long day, when the kids have been running around like lunatics, the house is still a mess after hours of cleaning, and dinner is overcooked and under-appreciated, the last thing on our minds is giving our husband kisses and affection. The funny thing is that a kiss can be so redeeming, so needful and so healing on these days. It fills up our hearts and reminds us we are loved. We may have failed at everything else that day, but we can sure make that kiss count!

So let us be abundant in the affections we show our husbands. Let him kiss me for his love is better than wine, chocolate, Staburcks…yes even Starbucks!

 

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